The legend of ZeldaScrewed version
by air-ick M.16
Summary: My first strory, so go easy on me... Don't just sit there, R&R!
1. Default Chapter

The legend of Zelda (screwed version)  
Our story begins in the kokiri forest, as a very weird day begins.  
Deku tree: Navi, go fetch that freakish hobo Nintendo hired.  
Navi: Awe, do I have to?  
Deku tree: Yes you little faggot, why would I have said it?  
Navi: Okay, god why do you yell over every damn thing?  
Deku tree: Do not question me or I will smite you!  
Navi: Cool, smite me, I'm serious!  
Deku tree: Stop being a smartass and go!  
Navi: Fine, but you're still a faggot! (Running away)  
Deku tree: I'll remember that you pixie bitch!  
Navi: what's the point, you're going to die a slow and painful death!  
At Links house  
Navi: Wake up faggot! Don't you know what today is?  
Link: Errrrr, What?  
Navi: Hey lazyass, wake uuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!  
(Link grabs and chokes Navi)  
Link: Who sent a little bitch like you?  
Navi: Who else, the stupid tree who wants you to risk your life for no  
reason!  
Link: Awesome! What an honor!  
Navi: O_O  
Link: Let's go!  
Link: Uh-oh, it's that faggot who bitches around us, but kisses our asses  
in front of that tree guy! (Whispering to Navi)  
Navi: ~_O  
Saria: Hey retard, the word around the street is you got a fairy, but I  
hear it's a gay faggot just like you! Ha ha ha ha!  
Navi: DIE BITCH!  
(Navi tackles Saria and takes a knife to her head)  
Saria: If you let me go I'll give you this shiny ocarina!  
  
Link: what does it do?  
Saria: Completely nothing!  
Navi & Link together: Awesome!  
(Saria hands them the ocarina and runs away)  
Saria: Stupid jackasses! (Then she trips over a log) Oh shit!  
Navi: (Looking at the ocarina) Shiny...... Oh yeah we need to get a sword  
and a shield, to go see the stupid tree!  
Link: Lets go check that hole over there, nobody will care if we take that  
dagger!  
Navi: Okay!  
(Link and Navi enter the hole and on the other side a swat team surrounds  
them.)  
Link & Navi together: HOLY SHIT!  
Link: What's the big deal over a little dagger?  
Swat team: All we know is some guy named Mido hired us to stop you from  
beating Zelda.  
Link: Damn, how much did he pay you?  
Swat team: 6548337575636564465 rubbies!  
Link & Navi: O_O  
Swat team: Look, it's a shiny junebug! Squash it!  
Navi: YIPE! (The swat team starts chasing Navi, so link has time to take  
the dagger.)  
At the store  
Link: I'd like to buy the shield please.  
Clerk: I'll sell it to you for 64388365473786 rubbies!  
Link: Why?  
Clerk: Because I don't want you to beat Zelda!  
Link: How about I beat your ass and take it from you!  
Clerk: Good point, have a nice day! (While Link walks out, the clerk flips  
him off)  
  
Link: Alright Mido, move I got the sword and shield!  
Mido: How the hell did you get past my swat team?  
Link: That's not important, move bitch.  
(Mido moves out of the way, then gives Link a weddgie, and runs)  
Link: you'd better run, faggot!  
(Link & Navi go to see the Deku tree, Link falls to his knee's imeadeantly)  
Link: Your graciousness!  
Deku tree: Get up faggot, stop kissing my ass! (Link gets up)  
Link: Fine, you ungrateful bitch!  
Deku tree: I'm beginning to hate you more each day!  
Now hurry up and risk your life for no reason!  
Link: Thank you for this honor your gratefulness!  
Navi & Deku tree: ~__O  
(The Deku tree sucks Link inside his mouth)  
Navi: Yes, you got rid of the faggot!  
Deku tree: Navi, you must go too!  
Navi: SHIT! (The Deku tree sucks Navi in and then does a dance)  
Deku tree: Party my children, I've gotten rid of them!  
*Inside the Deku tree*  
(Link & Navi enter to see one big room with no doors or anything)  
Navi: Do you Know what this means?  
Link & Navi together: No adventure, no puzzles, & no boss!  
Link: The writer knows that we are a bunch of lazyasses! YAY!  
(They leave the Deku tree to see that the stone is on the ground & the Deku  
tree is dead, so they start partying)  
(Whenever they leave they see Mido blocking the way)  
Mido: I won't let you leave until you tell me why you murdered him!  
Link: We didn't murder him faggot, Ganondorf did! Duh!  
Mido: Oops, sorry, I'm stupid!  
Link: See ya' we're leaving!  
(Mido tries to give him a weddgie, but Link swings around and accidentally  
kills him)  
Everybody together: Murderer! That's the second one!  
Swat team: They must be stopped! (They start chasing Link and Navi)  
*At Hyrule field*  
Link: Finally, we lost them!  
Navi: Come on, we've got to walk across the field!  
Link: Easy for you to say, you don't have to walk!  
Navi: Stop bitching and go!  
Link: Okay!  
*At the gates*  
Link: c'mon, we can still make it!  
(Gate closes)  
Link: Damn it! We'll have to sleep here tonight.  
(Link is wakened next morning by rocks slamming into his head.)  
Link: Ow! (A little girl named Malon was throwing rocks at him)  
Link: Hey, stop!  
Malon: I wanted to ask you to look for my dad!  
Link: Why should I? You were throwing stuff at me!  
Malon: Because I'll give you this useless, pathetic egg!  
Link: I'll do it! (She gives him the egg, slaps him, and runs away) Ow!  
(They go to the castle where they see Malon's dad is sleeping)  
Navi: Can I slap him? Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase?  
Link: Sure! (She slaps him)  
Malon's dad: Ow! Why the hell did you do that? Why you little-!  
(He starts strangling Navi)  
Link: Hey, your daughter wants you! She says you're late!  
Malons dad: Oh no, I'd better hurray, I'm gonna' get double whippings for  
this! Master, I'm coming! (He runs away)  
Link & Navi: O_O  
Navi: Let's go in that hole, so we can see Zelda.  
Link: Okay! (They go in the hole)  
Link: We have to be very quiet. (Whispering to Navi)  
(Then the chicken goes cock-a-doodle-doo)  
Guards: What the hell was that?  
Link: Nothing! Guards: Okay! (The guards ignore it)  
Navi: O__O  
(They reach princess Zelda's room and Link immediately falls to his knees)  
Link: Your MA-A-AJ-J-JESTY!!!!!  
(Zelda runs beside him and starts kicking him and beating him to a pulp)  
Link: What the hell is wrong with you, bitch?!?!  
Zelda: YES, DIE STUPID BASTERD! (Then she stops) Oops! I just start hitting  
people who fall to the ground.  
Link: That's it bitch, your going down! (Link tries to hit her, but Navi  
holds him back) Navi: Stop, you freak!  
Zelda: Here's a letter! (She gives it to him, slaps him, and runs away)  
Zelda: I've got anger management classes right now!  
Navi: Let's go! (But Link is shooting Mario's picture)  
Link: YAY! DIE FAGGOT-ASS PLUMMER! Oops, I mean, what fun! Navi: O___O.  
Let's go!  
Link: Did you know that I could see up her dress when she was beating the  
shit out of me?  
Navi: O_____O. Too much info there!  
(When they are walking out a lady named Impa stopped them)  
Impa: Want me to strip?  
Link: YESSSSSSS! (Navi slaps Link) Navi: NOOOO!  
Impa: Then take this item that puts Zelda to sleep! (She hands him a  
needle)  
Link: Cool, now I can put her to sleep, then I can take her-  
Navi: Uh, Lets go!  
That's it for now, if I get five reviews, I'll continue. 


	2. Just another funny chapter

The legend of Zelda (Screwed version) ch.2  
  
(Link and Navi were heading to the gate when a guard hits Link on the head  
with his stick)  
Guard: YAY! Whacking little faggots is fun! DIE BITCH! (He hits him again)  
Link: Hey, you bastard, stop! (He stops) Let us through the gate!  
Guard: You must get a bigger shield! Tell the clerk that I hate you and not  
to sell you the shield because you wouldn't let me hit you!  
(Link and Navi go in the store and see a big ugly freak that looks like  
hagrid drinking beer)  
Link: Sir, how much is the shield? (The drunken clerk starts slamming the  
shield into Link's head)  
Clerk: Leave my mommy alone!  
Link: what are you doing you crazy bitch? (The clerk stops, stares at Navi,  
then drops the shield next to Link)  
Clerk: Ooooooooo! I want to play with Tinkerbelle! (The clerk grabs and  
chokes Navi) Mommy, it's broken!  
Navi: Run, he's crazy! (Link grabs the shield and they both run out of the  
store and head for the gate where the guard is)  
Link: We got the shield, now open the gate!  
Guard: No! I don't have to!( Link takes out a piece of paper)  
Link: We've got a letter from the princess!  
Guard: Let me see!( He takes the letter and reads it) This is no letter,  
this is a picture of a knife stuck through your head and the princess is  
luaghing at you! Bwa ha ha ha ha! You look stupid!  
Link: C'mon, lemme' through the gate!  
Guard: Can I hit you once?  
Link: Only if you open the gate!  
Guard: Yay! ( He hits Link twenty times on the head)  
Link: I said once!  
Guard: Sorry!( He clicks his heels and the gate opens) Umm, can I ask one  
more favor of you, I mean you don't have to but I'm going to ask. Will you  
bring me some weed? My son told me it's great stuff, he smokes it all the  
time and feels relaxed.  
Link & Navi: O_____O  
(Link and Navi continue up the hill to the mountains where they see a bunch  
of drunk Gorons drinking)  
Goron1: What-up homie-G!  
Link: Nothin' much, waddup' with you!  
Goron2: Nothin' we're hung over and drunk!  
Link: What was the party about?  
Goron1: Some guy named ganondorf said that he shut off our food and destroy  
us so we got hi- and had some fun!  
Navi: ~__O ( Navi and link head to the room where Daruna waits)  
Daruna: Yo-yo-yo my homie-G, take this braclet to give you, a brother some  
strength!( He gives him the braclet, then Link and Navi destroy the rock)  
Goron1: Thank you my brother, now you must destroy da' monsta' in there! (  
They continue on their way to the monster)  
To be continuded. 


	3. Zoras' crazy domain

The legend of Zelda Ch.3  
  
Link: This is it! The monster is down there!  
Navi: Well then hurry up and use a bomb, faggot!  
Link: Okay! (He runs over, sits on the weak ground like it's a toilet,  
farts, and then the thing breaks)  
Navi: 0__O You are weird my friend, you have problems. (Then they fall  
down) Link: Noooooooo!  
Navi: Shut up we're suppose to go down here you faggot!  
(They land at an angle to where they can only see Dodongo's back)  
Link: Omigosh, it's the boss, I have to get an autograph! (He runs over to  
Dodongo, but then is whacked away by his tail when he turns around)  
Dodongo: Wh-wh-who dare di-di-disturb me? (Link and navi look around his  
back to see beer & weed)  
Navi: Can I have some? Pleeeaaaaaaase?  
Link: ~__O. Hey your not suppose to drink!  
Navi: Shut up faggot, that's why nobody likes you!  
Link: Well then why did Nintendo hire me?  
Navi: They never told you? Link, do you promise not to cry if I tell you  
this?  
Link: Y-y-y-yes.  
Dodongo: This should b-b-be good! (Whispering to himself)  
Navi: They hired you because you're the only one they could find that  
looked like a ugly-ass keebler elf! ^___^  
Link: (Starts to cry) N-n-n-n-n-no they didn't!  
Dodongo: Bwa ha ha ha ha! You are sooooo stupid!  
Link: S-s-s-s-STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!(Link grabs his sword runs up to  
Dodongo and kills him in one hit)  
Link: Who's da' bitch noww?(Then he walks over to Navi)  
Navi: O________O.Err, um, look a piece of heart!  
Link: Omigosh, where?!?  
Navi: Over there!( He gets the piece of heart and then they leave. When  
they arrive, they see Daruna and all the other Gorons waiting)  
Daruna: Link, my otha' brotha' from another mother!  
Come give a brotha' a hug!  
Link: Naww, dog, I ain't got da' time!  
Daruna: Link, here's yo' bling-bling you asked for!  
(He gives him the second spiritual stone) I's full o' spirit for a  
brotha'!  
Link: See ya' latta' dwag!(They're walking through the gate when the guard  
slams his stick into links head)  
Guard: Die bitch!(Then he stops) Oops, sorry I couldn't control myself.  
Didya' get the drugs?  
Link: Yea, I swiped some from the boss. So, how much money ya' got?  
Guard: I'll give you 500 rubbies!  
Link: I can't hold that much, but okay!(They're in the middle of an exchang  
when the swat team saw wat he was doing)  
Swat team: Hey you, stop!  
Link: Holy shit!(They run away)  
Swat team member: Damn, I wanted some weed!  
At the gates of the Zoras' domain  
Navi: Damn it! How do we get past without speaking to that owl?  
Link: I know! (He pulls out a shotgun) Lookit! ^___^  
Owl: hoot hoot you faggots, time to listen to my pathetic shit! As we begi-  
(But Link interrupts him)  
Link: DIE STUPID FAGGOT-ASS OWL! (He shoots him)  
Owl: Nooooo! x__x(He dies)  
Link: Yay! Now how do we get past that rock?  
Navi: Use a bomb!  
Link: Okay! (He runs up to the rocks, farts, and the rocks explode.)  
Navi: Uh, stinky blah! x__x (She faints)  
Link: What happened to everybody?  
(Link picks up Navi and walks on to the waterfall)  
Link: Open sesame! (Nothing happens, and then he reads the stone thing)  
Ohhh! I'm supposed to play the royal melody!  
(Irish music starts playing and Link starts tap dancing)  
This is so embarrassing! (Then the path opens)  
Navi: Hey, Link nice tap dancing! Bwa ha ha ha ah!  
(Link gives her the bad finger)  
Inside Zoras' domain  
Navi: we have to play that game up there so we can get the scale! (They  
head up to the game, but there's just a stripper there stripping for some  
guy)  
Link: Uh, we're here to play the game.  
Stripper: I can play lots of games.(Link blushes and then Navi slaps him)  
Navi: Not the place we're looking for, bye! (They leave)  
Link: Great Einstein, now what are we suppose to do?  
Navi: We'll wait until happy hour is over, then we'll get the scale thing!  
Link: I'm going in! (But Navi slaps him and holds him down)  
Navi: No you aren't!  
Link: Security!  
Navi: Have fun! (Link goes in, but happy hour is already over)  
Link: Damn it! Now we have to play the dive game!  
Zora: Now I'm going to throw these rubbies in the water and you get them,  
okay!  
Link: Whatever! (Then she throws them in the water and Link dives in after  
them) Got one! That's three! (He gets all of them) Yes!  
Zora: Yay, good job, now come up here and get your present! (Link goes up  
there to get his stuff)  
Zora: Here's an item to help you breathe!  
(She gives him a paper bag)  
Link: How the hell am I suppose to use this?  
Zora: I don't know! (She leaves)  
Navi: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha! You stupid faggot! You've got no use for that  
bag! (Link gets an evil smile on his face) Don't look at me that way. (Then  
he traps Navi in the bag)  
Link: Who's da' bitch nowww?  
(Link dives down using the bag to breathe his own breath)  
Link: I must have had fish today because my breath stinks!  
(After he gets the letter they head on to the fat-ass king who was drinking  
beer)  
Drunken king: Hello, what your name?  
Link: Uh. Whatever. I found a letter that you might want to read.  
Dk: I not know how read. Would you wike some beer?  
Link: No. Can you move so we can save your daughter?  
Dk: I no have daughter. What you talk about?  
Link: Move fat-ass!  
Dk: Dat not nice! (Then Link pulls out a shotgun) Ooh pretty, can I pway  
with it?  
Link: No, now move faggot!  
Dk: Okwayy.(He moves and Link puts the shotgun away)  
Link: finally! Lets hurry!  
The end. For now! 


End file.
